dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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