The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
