she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
