I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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