Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
