my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
