I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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