he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
