Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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