I cannot find my penis.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
