is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
