Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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