I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
My liver just had a heart attack.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I just want to make out with him forever
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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