I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
