It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
