I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
