I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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