Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
