The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
