remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Do vagina's smell?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
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