Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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