You smell like a Billy Joel song
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
In other news, I just burned my penis
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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