I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
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Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
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I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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