I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
