I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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