so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
