saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
