sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
