This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
