Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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