I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Randomize
