She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
