those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
we should paint friendship bongs
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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