yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Randomize
