The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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