I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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