I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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