do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
