YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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