I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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