How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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