Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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