I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
