she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
