Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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