Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
A bitchslap is in order.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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