In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
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he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
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Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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