the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
