the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
