Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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