he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Randomize
