dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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