he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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