I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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