Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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