bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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