After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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