I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
