I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
