dude i'm inner monologue high
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
